


Cons at Thanksgiving

by exquisitelymorose



Category: Ocean's 8 (2018)
Genre: Drug Use, F/F, Funny, Marijuana, Recreational Drug Use, SOFT GAYS, Sick Gays, Thanksgiving Dinner, all the gays, gays for days, light - Freeform, super gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-07-28 17:52:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16246784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exquisitelymorose/pseuds/exquisitelymorose
Summary: “Oh!” Lou laughed with disbelief, “Me? I’m the bad one? I seem to remember that it was you, yes you Ms. Ocean, who wouldn’t let me take a shower alone just mere hours before chow mein came rocketing out your nose.” The blonde made a small explosion motion with her hand. A crude reminder of what had been, earning her a small smack on the arm from her girlfriend. “Oh, sorry,” Lou rolled her eyes before capturing Debbie's hand, “I meant, rocketing out of yourperfectnose.” she said before laying a kiss over the brunette’s knuckles.Or, the one where Deb & Lou have the flu so they smoke a little pot to make it through Thanksgiving with Tammy’s family.





	Cons at Thanksgiving

Three days. That’s how long they’d been doing this shit for. “Three whole days," Debbie thought as she yawned into the back of her hand. The curtains were drawn, the lights out and the room dark. A fan whirred in the corner, blowing cool air over Debbie’s legs, flung out from the satin sheets. She was thankful for the darkness as she eased her eyes open, two fingers massaging the throb in her temple. A dim light filtered through a small crack in the curtains. The brunette couldn’t stifle her groan as she registered the time on the clock. 11am. Just as her eyes fluttered close, doing the mental math of how much longer she could sleep, a quiet voice cut through the silence. 

“I can’t believe we have to do this.”

Debbie cracked an eye open to watch as Lou shuffled slowly across the floor boards. Her movements were small, steps tiny as she gingerly rubbed a hand in small circles over her all too empty stomach.

“Tammy will kill us,” Debbie croaked from her spot in the bed. 

“She’s a mother, Deborah. All she does is clean shit and vomit,” Lou laid herself gently on her side of the bed, flinging an arm over her forehead, “I think she’d understand.”

A disgusted noise left Deb’s mouth as she clicked her tongue, “don’t say it like that, it’s not like we’ve been _shitting_ ourselves.” 

“Speak for yourself,” Lou rolled onto her side, not bothering to open her eyes as she reached to run a gentle hand over girlfriend’s lower stomach, “we’re getting the flu shot next year, Ocean. I don’t care how scared you are of needles.”

“I am not.” 

Lou’s eyes finally popped open, “I just finished mopping up your vomit, darling. Now is not the time for pride.” 

Debbie wanted to fight but she had no energy for it. It had been three entire days of the downright awful flu. It’d started with Debbie who insisted she’d be fine as Lou prodded her with zinc and hot herbal teas. Just as she finally began to admit that this thing might be worse than she thought, Lou’s fever started. Suddenly it was Lou insisting she’d be fine as she slipped away to the bathroom to quietly take her own zinc supplements between rounds of helping Debbie to and from the bathroom as she vomited meals she was sure she hadn’t had in years. Within two days both women were in bed, fighting over the bathroom and who could have the fan on their side of the bed. 

“She’s been dying to have us at a family event for months, Lou.”

She felt the blondes breath as she sighed heavily against her neck, “It’s only Thanksgiving. We can go for Christmas or Easter or whatever other high suburban holiday Tim Tam will be sure to stress over next.”

They lapsed into a silence again, eyes closed before Debbie tried one more time, “it’ll probably be good for us to get out and get some air. We’ve been cooped up in our own filth and germs for days,” she turned her head just enough to see Lou’s eyes opening, “we can take a shower, put on some normal clothes, wash our sheets and our pajamas. Have a home cooked meal, come back and get right back into bed.”

Lou brought her hand back from where it lay on her girlfriends stomach. The hollow feeling in her stomach, the slight pounding in her head, it all felt like a little too much to deal with in combination with a drive to the suburbs, a too filling meal in the pristine whiteness of Tammy’s McMansion, the jibber jabber of kids who liked crawling over their “cool aunt’s” just a little too much. Ugh. But she knew Debbie was right. They had to. And they were finally starting to feel like the bug might be passing anyway. If they could just hold it together for a few hours, they’d be in Tammy’s good books for months to come. And she had to admit, despite her enchantingly innocent demeanour, Tammy’s shit list was no place to be.

“Right back?”

“Right back.”

Lou groaned, “And what about the kids, Deb? We could get them sick.” 

“No,” Debbie yawned, “once you’re showing symptoms, you’re out of the contagious zone.”

“And how’d you know that?”

“Called the doctor a few days ago.”

“Oh yeah, were you concerned about passing your demon flu to a certain someone?”

Debbie rolled on to her hip, laying her tired eyes on her partner. Even with her hair in the tiniest top knot, strands poking out from every angle, rarely seen reading glasses perched on her nose and not a stitch of makeup left on her skin, Lou was the most perfect thing she’d ever seen. 

“Maybe if you could keep your hands off me, I wouldn’t have been,” she finally said, slipping a finger under the elastic of Lou’s panties, snapping them against her hip.

“Oh!” Lou laughed with disbelief, “Me? I’m the bad one? I seem to remember that it was you, yes you Ms. Ocean, who wouldn’t let me take a shower alone just mere hours before chow mein came rocketing out your nose.” The blonde made a small explosion motion with her hand. A crude reminder of what had been, earning her a small smack on the arm from her girlfriend. “Oh, sorry,” Lou rolled her before capturing Debbie's hand, “I meant, rocketing out of your _perfect_ nose.” she said before laying a kiss over the brunette’s knuckles.

“That’s what I thought.”

It took an extra hour of dozing, some serious pep talks and one text from Tammy for the two of them to finally break away from the nest they’d created in bed. As Debbie showered, Lou stripped the bed and added their favourite sets of pajamas to the pile before throwing it all in one large ball into the washing machine. Adding the detergent, thoughts began to creep into Lou’s mind of Thanksgivings past. When she’d moved to the States it’d quickly become one of her favourite holidays and the idea of not being able to fully enjoy the spread that she knew Tammy was likely currently slaving over was nothing short of a huge disappointment. Though she was certain they could both keep food down, the appetite was the problem. They’d barely been able to finish a piece of toast between the two of them in days. 

Lou rooted through the bathroom cabinet in search of the anti-nausea tablets she was certain she’d bought months ago. Of course, no such bottle was to be found. There was Advil, some allergy meds, a few loose band aids and an unmarked bottle with a twist cap. Her brow furrowed in confusion as she reached for the odd bottle. The smell hit first at the cap lifted off and Lou had to stifle a laugh. She’d completely forgotten. Inside the thick orange plastic was 6 perfectly pre-rolled joints. A gift from Nine Ball. 

She rolled one between her fingers, running it under her nose in appreciation of the quality smell. The 16.5 million in her bank account meant that Nine Ball would never again smoke any type of ditch weed and the shit in this bottle, well, it was primo shit. Lou worried her bottom lip between her teeth. This was the perfect solution to their current problem. If they could just take a few hits before dinner, it wouldn’t just ensure that they’d last a few hours not having to worry about their aches and pains but it would help their appetites so they could actually take advantage of the first home cooked meal they’d had in months. The problem was, Debbie would never go for it.

It was the rare occasion that Debbie Ocean smoked pot. It wasn’t that she had anything against it, she just couldn’t take the way it made her feel. She’d never been able to master the art of smoking “just enough.” She either found that she felt nothing or she felt too much and if there was one thing Debbie hated, it was feeling out of control. Lou on the other hand had always enjoyed pot. She didn’t make a habit of it but she’d rarely turn down a hit if it was offered and if she had some lying around on a particularly stressful day, she’d allow herself to indulge. Debbie only decided to smoke with her a handful of times in recent years and only on nights where just the two of them were alone, trying their damndest to just “relax.” Lou was more than certain that Debbie would blow the idea off. 

 

—

“Sure.”

Lou stared for a moment in disbelief as Debbie toweled her hair, “what?”

“I said, sure.”

“Right…” Lou trailed, eyes narrowing at her partner. 

Debbie narrowed her eyes back, leaving them in a standoff of glances before she smacked her hands against her thighs, “what!”

“I just didn’t think you’d say yes?”

“Then why’d you ask?”

Lou opened her mouth to speak, but the words took a second to come, “Well, I guess I wanted you to say yes. But I certainly wasn’t expecting the dream to be a reality.”

“Baby, have I ever not made your dreams into a reality?”

“Oh,” Lou groaned with an roll eye, equally impressed as she was unimpressed with the cheesy line, “you know if you weren’t disgustingly full of germs, I’d ravish you here and now.”  


—

Lou asked and re-asked as they inched their way forward in traffic. Yes, Debbie was sure. No, she wouldn’t freak out. Yes, she’d be fine. She just wanted to enjoy a nice Thanksgiving meal with her friends and girlfriend without throwing up on Tammy’s glazed ham and she was willing to try nearly anything to pull that off. When Debbie had enough of the pestering and the concern, she turned the music as loud as it took to drown out her lover, who took the hint with a huff as the tones of Joan Jett filled the car

As they rolled into the last 30 minutes of their trip, Lou broke out of her brain fog and road hypnosis just long enough to notice Deb, head lulled to the side, mouth slightly open where she’d fallen asleep against the headrest. She’d somehow pulled off looking just as beautiful as she always did with a deep maroon, knit turtleneck and skinny jeans, hair falling in soft waves around her face. If she didn’t love her so damn much, Lou was sure she’d be annoyed with her partner’s ability to look effortlessly gorgeous when they’d both been convinced it was the end of their days 48 hours earlier. She reached a hand over and stroked Debbie’s knee. “Only one person in this world I’d let vomit on me and it’s you, baby.”

Tammy’s driveway was full and three people holding dishes loitered in the doorway as Lou pulled up to the street. 

“Deb,” she spoke softly to the sleeping brunette, “babe,” she reached a hand out to gently grasp her shoulder. 

“We’re here,” Lou spoke with a small smile as Debbie cracked open her tired eyes. 

The car was all too bright for Debbie who took in the suburban homes around her with a wince before landing her eyes back on her girlfriend. She couldn’t help her smile. The way that Lou stood out in her leather jacket and cobalt blue eyeliner against the white, traditional home just outside her window was nothing short of comical. And downright sexy.

“Can’t believe you cleaned up so well.”

“Funny, I was thinking the same thing while you were sleeping.”

“Think we should make out before we have to go in and pretend to be respectable adults?”

“You’ve had worse ideas.” Lou said, mischief behind her eyes as she leaned over to briefly catch Debbie’s lips with her own. 

“I’ve never had anything short of a genius idea and you know it.”

“Hardy har.”

Debbie glanced back at the house where it seemed everyone was now inside as Lou slipped a joint from the plastic container. Her stomach suddenly filled with something like nervousness but she pushed it down. She was a grown woman who knew her tolerance. She’d have one hit, just enough to take the edge off and then she’d waltz inside, hug her best friend and sit down for a delicious meal with regular, dull people conversation. It was fine.

“I feel like we’re 17,” Lou chuckled as she sparked the end of the white stick between her lips.

Debbie watched as her girlfriend inhaled effortlessly. She recalled the days when Lou was a real smoker, always lighting up a cigarette. She’d hated it then. Hated watching her take part in something that was actively hurting her. But this? As Lou exhaled, eyes steely, lips pouted, Debbie remembered with a start just how hot she thought this was. And as she offered the joint to her, the rasp in her voice shot longing directly between Deb’s crossed legs. She took it between her fingers and took one test drag. It was smooth and not as bad as some of the awful, cheap shit she’d tried over the years. “One more,” she thought. And as her lungs filled with smoke, she turned herself toward her partner, rested a hand on her cool cheek and brought their mouths together to exhale what was left through Lou’s lips. Lou couldn’t help herself from threading her fingers into the hair at the back of Debbie’s head to lay a kiss on her as they both hovered there. 

“This flu is really getting in the way of things I’d like to be doing,” she breathed against her girlfriend’s mouth and Debbie hummed in agreement.

They put the container back safely in the console, reapplied their lipstick and checked their hair before opening their doors to the cool fall air. Hands shoved deep in their pockets, they crossed the street towards Tammy’s house but suddenly, Debbie stopped. 

Lou nearly tripped over herself as she came to a halt, whipping around to find her girlfriend frozen behind her, eyes closed.

“Debbie?” the brunette just shook her head lightly, “Deborah?”

“I feel it.”

“You’re supposed to.” 

“I hate it.”

Lou sighed, “Babe, come on. You always do this. You always freak out for the first ten minutes and then you’re completely fine.”

Debbie finally opened her eyes, taking a deep breath, “you’re right.”

“Yes, I am.” Lou smiled, reaching a hand for her lover who took it gratefully and met her on the sidewalk. 

The walk from the driveway to the front door felt like an eternity to Debbie who was tempted to ask Lou to give them a moment before knocking but before the thought was fully formed, the doorbell was rung. She startled when the door whipped open and standing there was two small children. “Oh Jesus,” Debbie mumbled as she side stepped a little behind Lou to allow her partner to handle them. She loved Tammy’s kids but the thoughts were rolling in hard and heavy. 

“You are high, you cannot look at children when you’re high, they’ll know. Oh my god they’re going to smell it. Tammy is going to kill you. She is going to kick you out of her house and call the cops. Jesus fucking Christ, all those cons and you’re going to go down for smoking a little pot on the holidays. Nice going, Ocean.”

“Debbie!” She snapped from her thoughts to look up into the three sets of eyes. Two smaller, rounder pairs looking at her hopefully. And one pair, lined and full of concern, practically begging her to get it together. 

She found it within her to stammer out a hello and bent down to gather the two kids into a hug. That’s all it took, as somewhere in a room beyond them, someone called the kids names and sent them running. 

“Oh my god,” Debbie hissed to Lou as she covered her eyes. The blonde chuckled and Debbie frowned, “how are you laughing at me right now?”

“Well, I’m stoned,” Lou laughed and wrapped her arms around her partner, “and you’re going to be fine.”

Debbie nodded into Lou’s neck, inhaling the scent that brought her the most comfort in the world.

“Alright, alright, break it up love birds.” At the twinkling sound of Tammy’s happy voice behind them, the two broke apart.

In a floral skirt and light blue sweater, clutching a dish cloth, Tammy came toward them with open arms. Lou squeezed her tight before she moved on to Debbie who’s stomach grew tighter and tighter with every passing second. The hug was lasting too long, she thought, as she convinced herself that Tammy was sniffing her hair. And to her horror, when they pulled away, Tammy’s narrowed eyes darted between them. 

Finally she whispered, “did you two smoke _pot_ before coming to _Thanksgiving_?”

Debbie pressed hers lips together hard as her eyes shot to Lou whose face read nothing but shock.

“Oh, Jesus,” Tammy muttered as she pinched the bridge of her nose, “I guess that’s what you get for inviting cons to dinner.”

Lou began to work through an apology before Tammy cut her off and shooed them into a bathroom that had a room spray in the cabinet. As she sprayed them both down with something that smelt like laundry detergent, she began to laugh and the tension in both Lou and Debbie seeped out. 

“Derek and I actually partake sometimes when the kids are gone.” She admitted with a smirk.

“You do not?”

She only shrugged, “It’s practically legal now.” But then she set her mouth in a firm line, “But this is your only “get out of smoking at Thanksgiving free card,” alright? I mean it.” She pointed her finger at the both of them. 

“Yes mom.” 

By the time they were seated with waters and green teas loving crafted by Tammy who firmly told them they would not be mixing alcohol with marijuana under her roof, they’d both settled. The night passed with easy conversation with Derek’s family who were delighted to feel cultured by the city lesbians in their midst. And the food, well, it made the whole thing worth it. The weight of Lou’s hand on her knee as she graciously one upped Derek’s brother in car knowledge, the sights and sounds of an average family enjoying each other’s company, Tammy’s beaming smile across the table, it all settled a warmth in Debbie’s chest. The evening had been so simply lovely that it nearly made her sad when they said their goodbyes and slipped into their car.

“You’re sure you’re good to drive?”

Lou smiled and reached across the console to strokes Debbie’s cheek, “of course, baby.” 

Debbie leaned forward, enjoying the warmth against her cheek and pressed her lips against Lou’s. “Then take me home.”

Lou flipped on the headlights and began down Tammy’s road before glancing sideways at her lover, “maybe if you can manage not to puke turkey on me before we get home, you’ll get lucky tonight.”

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by true events. But if you're offended by anything, I don't condone it. *Don't Smoke & Drive, Kids.* 
> 
> Please leave your kudos and comments if you'd like to see more one shots! And go read my chapter fic, "History," if you haven't already.


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